The Gift

I’m happy to report that I’ve made some new friends … Heidi, Ronnie, Bobby and Hank. I see them almost every morning as I walk to the lake front to work off this big ol’ gut that I have managed to build during my six plus years of sobriety. In my daily walk, I see a lot of familiar faces although I don’t know most of their names. But, I do know Heidi, Ronnie, Bobby and Hank.

I'm walking because I realized that I'm just peeling away another layer of the onion. You see, I traded drugs, alcohol and sexual addiction for emotional eating. Hence, my big ol’ gut and my aching back and rickety knees from bearing the burden of my belly. And let’s not overlook my labored breathing from walking across the room to settle in on the hand-me-down sectional couch to veg out in front of the TV where I can be fully engaged in my rather sedentary lifestyle. This is the scene where the grazing on chips, ice cream, a big slice of watermelon followed by a couple slices of cheddar cheese and a slice of bologna commences. Finally when I feel full or rather fat and bloated, I manage to end the grazing cycle and go to bed.

So the other morning, I stopped walking long enough to have a bit of a chat with Heidi. She noticed I was huffing and puffing and smiled. She brilliantly pointed out that my belly just means that I’m eating. Yes, clearly I’m eating. Heidi, on the other hand, is a fairly frail looking and petite blonde woman whose face looks a bit reddened and worn by the sun. Her nails are in desperate need of a manicure. I could see the remains of old nail polish on the ends of her fingers. Ronnie, who was standing by during our conversation, but didn’t really say much, is a very slight and skinny man with really rough looking hands. He tends to stand all hunched over. Hank, another silent member of the gang is scruffy, unshaven and tired looking with bloodshot eyes. And as for Bobby, well I can’t really remember what he looks like. I’ve actually only seen him once, but I remember his name. I count him as a new friend for no other reason than the simple fact that he is friends with Heidi, Ronnie and Hank. I affectionately refer to all of them as . . . the gang.

Coincidentally, we all live in the same neighborhood . . . right on Lincoln Ave on the north side of Chicago in foo foo Lincoln Park. Yes I live in Lincoln Park honey! Albeit the ugliest building in Lincoln Park. I live in a two bedroom, one bath apartment with central heat and air. I like to keep it nice and cool too. I hate those hot and humid summer days, but then I also hate those frigid cold winter days. Honestly, I’m a perfect 68 to 76 degree weather kind of guy. I also have a washer and dryer right inside my unit so I never have to venture out on even a gorgeous day, let alone a yucky weather day to do laundry. It’s sooo nice not to have to lug all my dirty clothes down to the laundry mat. Heidi and Ronnie live just up the street from me. I don’t know where Hank lives. Once I saw him sitting at the end of a sidewalk that led up to one of those beautiful homes over on Burling Street, also in foo foo Lincoln Park. He didn’t remember me. I had to remind him who I was. Funny, he didn’t really look like the rich and wealthy type. But you know how that goes, the wealthier they are the less they feel the need to dress to the nines all the time. You just never know.

I asked Hank what everybody else was up to and found out that Heidi and Ronnie had taken Bobby to the hospital the night before. Bobby has a disease. He has the same disease that I have. Addiction. In fact Heidi, Ronnie and Hank all have the disease of addiction just like me. Bobby is currently on probation and was due to report into his parole officer where he’d be required to give a urine sample. The gang knew Bobby would drop dirty so they took him to detox to get clean . . . again. They figured better that, than back in jail for another 3 to 5 years for a probation violation.

So I can't stop thinking about my casual conversation about weight loss and exercise with Heidi and more specifically her comment that my belly is just a sign that I’m eating. Heidi’s frail stature and Ronnie’s slight frame are just that solely because they don’t have many opportunities to eat let alone graze until they feel fat and bloated like me. Yes Heidi and Ronnie live up the street from me, but behind some bushes on cardboard boxes underneath some old blankets that they managed to secure from a dumpster. Hank doesn’t have a blanket, but Heidi and Ronnie look out for him and share theirs. They are homeless. They are a family.

One morning, Heidi, Ronnie and I went to breakfast at McDonalds. I didn’t eat because it’s not on my eating plan these days. But Heidi was very eager about her sausage/egg McMuffin and hashbrowns while Ronnie seemed to savor the Big Breakfast with pancakes and syrup. The manager of this McDonalds actually wouldn’t let them come in at first. Really. I’m not just embellishing here. I had to reassure the manager that they were with me and that nothing bad or ill-fated would happen. I sat there with them while they ate. Heidi talked. Ronnie observed. And I listened. Heidi says she is dying. She has AIDS and hepatitis as does Ronnie I suspect. Heidi knows full well that her condition is a result of her choices. Her father wires money from time to time so she can get her medication. They both have a social worker, but seem to fail to follow-up enough to access the care and help that is available to them. Heidi cried. She really just wants to see her three children again someday. She loves Ronnie. He doesn’t judge her. He gets her and she gets him. Heidi and Ronnie love, long to be loved and long to be part of, yet they fail to see and accept the good that is all around them. I do that too . . . all the time.

Today I was given a gift. I bought that McDonald's breakfast for Heidi and Ronnie and felt good about myself for having done so. Yet, the gift is that had I not bought the breakfast, my goodness would be no less. Goodness is who I am. Goodness is who we all are. It is not dependent on what we do. It is our true nature. And, goodness is who Heidi and Ronnie and Bobby and Hank are. No matter what it looks like on the outside . . . we all think the same thoughts. Long for the same things . . . love, affection, acceptance, peace. You name it. God bless the “gang” for showing me who they are and who I am. I love you Heidi, Ronnie, Bobby and Hank. I’m sure I'll see you around soon.

#Homeless #Addiction